..Welcome to My Life..

So I'm feeling a little.. uh, how do you say it? Sad? no. Depressed? not really. Suicidal? ehh.. naw. I mean, how can you put words together after someone (your best guy friend) calls you a problem. What does a problem even mean? I have got to find new friends, because obviously the ones I have right now don't view me as who I truly am. Don't you hate that? They look at you and completely shove you into a group of stereotypicals that they think you are like, and then forget you ever exist. I'm always the one saying no to hang with people, because I feel left out. All they do is hang at the beach, go to the mall, and prep stuff. I know I'm not one to talk, because yes there are times when I do love to shop, but I don't have that much money the way it is so why feel guilty when people spend so much money on things that half of goes to me. This year will be horrible. With the friendships I have now, and the ones I made the year before or during the summer, things will surely clash. Jenny will clash with everyone that I hung out with last year, and I know damn well Amanda will clash with the people I hang out with now. I just feel like it's a never ending circle of un-loved people who hang with me so they can say they have one more "friend". *sighs* I need something else to think about or I will go INSANE.

Up until today I have this gut feeling that something will go wrong this year. Not with school.. maybe not necessarily with my dad, but just with me. I know I'm gonna end up screwing something up.. say something to someone, or someone figure all this out. I have this whole plan of not bringing down my wall.. to anyone, but Annah. (you've really been a great friend) Honestly, I can't say anything to anyone. I can't rant without them telling the other person, and thats what great about having online friends (and some offline) is. I start a conversation with someone, and I notice that the other person just goes into a story about themselves, and completely leaves me to watch them gloat in their glory about "what happened to them today". I have a few unmentionable friends like that. Thank god, for the level of sanity that online friends are keeping me at lately. I'd probably explode at someone seriously soon.

I'm really stuck on Hold On.. if you can't already tell. It's like the song is saving me. I always loved it, since they released it on TRL, but I have it always on repeat.. That or Little Things and Motivation Proclaimation! I can't wait for the new CD! I'm really excited.

I'm very very very scared for my dad's surgery. Whenever they're going to have it. The only thing I'm scared of is him dying, because he's my world. My life. He's everything to me. Him walking me down the aisle to my wedding, taking a picture with me at graduation. Holding his first grandchild. I just dont want him to have to miss out on that. I gotta stop before I put myself in even more tears..

I gotta get outta here.. fuckin' talk to me, cause obviously I need to talk to someone. Bored outta my fuckin' mind.. lol

JOEL and FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

meL* (shit reciever)